Can't seem to say anything right TMI WARNING!!

Well I am sorry I haven't posted in awhile. We are under alot of stress as you can see from my other posts lol. Tonight I realised that I can't say anything right.
Every time I open my mouth it ether comes out as the same old thing I always say or it will end up starting an argument or come out all weird. I have alot of things on my mind and just can't seem to get it out in a way that conveys my feelings in the right way.
Tonight was one of those nights. I wanted to tell him how I loved him and that I really wanted to talk about our future past getting married like kids but it came out as "How long after we get married do you want to start trying?" He was playing his game and said "I don't know" even though he has told me more then once that he wants to try right away. I wanted to ask him "what don't know anymore?" but bit my tongue.
The 2nd thing was when we were laying down in bed and anyone who lives with a person with PTSD knows that thanks to the damn meds, Sex just doesn't happen that often. This normally doesn't bother me. BUT there is 1 week a month when I really, really want it and normally he will at least try but NOOOOO he said "I told you I was tired and have to get up for my motorcycle class" then proceeded to say "well if you want you can just jump up there and get yours" "I am going to get you a bob" WTF??????????????? When did the man that is normally so sweet start talking like that? I understand that he was tired but damn it I tried. I wore his favorite underwear and everything. I had been hinting around the whole day and he didn't act like it wasn't going to happen. Why when he is in the mood do we do it but god forbid I get in the mood when he isn't because then he won't even try. I know he has PTSD and the meds make it harder to attempt it and I feel selfish anytime this kind of thing happens. I just hate always being 2nd when it comes to some stuff. in this case I feel like my wants and needs are not being considered. On some occasions he can't finish and I do but I always try and make sure he gets his later on but the last time we had sex it was the other way around but did he attempt to help me later? NO he said he was sorry and went to sleep. I am sorry about talking about our sex life well what there is of one but hey this is my blog and my only outlet.
We have another anger couciling session Thursday but I can't talk about this kind of stuff because it is supposed to be about working through HIS anger and is not marriage couciling. I wish it was because every time I try to talk to him about anything he will just get mad or aggravated and then blame it on the PTSD. I understand that it causes some of his issues but he can't blame everyone of them of it. I don't blame all of my issues on my mom or my Washington thing(long story).
I just want to feel special again like I really mean the world to him like he says. He says it during our counseling and said it the day he went to his buddies house and pissed me off but lately I feel like he is being distant even though I know he isn't. I feel like because of all the stress which comes from HIS baggage, I am being ignored. I would really just like for him to give me a hug or a kiss for no reason and without me having to ask. I want him to sit rub his fingers through my hair and tell me I am pretty every once in awhile. I want to feel special again and not just for an hour which is normally how long it takes for him to go back to his old habits. I am not asking for him to be up my butt all the time just a little extra attention. I think he forgets that all the stress gets to me too and he doesn't realise that I need him just as much as he needs me. This man is my world and I treat him as such. I go up and give him random hugs and kisses, I tell him I love him alot, I make sure that he KNOWS he is special everyday. I rub his head when we cuddle. I just want the same bit of romance. For the last week he has been playing his WOW game every second that he is not at work and then still considers it "quality time" or "together time" because he is in the same room. I always considered together time as cuddling or doing something as a couple. Not just being in the same room on separate couches and computers. Oh crap that brings me to another thing that is pissing me off, his new computer has a password that I don't know and I have asked him for it but he says that I will figure it out and when I do I will think it is sweet. Well damn it I have tried everything I can think of and I want to know NOW! He knows all of my passwords and I told him he also has access to my phone anytime he wants to use it but his phone is stuck up his ass all the time and givees me weird looks every time I touch it. He knows what I have had happen in past relationships and that I have issues because of them and he says he understands it and told me it was a "big step" when I told him exactly what happened but then he puts a secret password on he new computer. How does that make any sense?
I am sorry to any of my readers if I have grossed you out or bored you but right now I am hurting and have no other way to get my emotions out.

Second hand Stress!!!????

I have always heard of second hand smoke but up until yesterday, I had never heard of second hand stress. I am still trying to figure it out. I understand if one person is stressed and the other isn't then there is no reason to stress out the one who isn't but the part I can't understand is "WHAT IS THE FIRST PERSON SUPPOSED TO DO????" am I just supposed to hold it in or is my only other option to let it out but to other people like on the message board or on here? What happened to the saying "communication is key to a relationship"? I always thought that was the rule but according to the councilor I guess I was wrong because it would be second hand stress if I vented or even acted stressed with my DF. I think that is bullshit and yes I said bullshit because it is my blog and I make the rules so therefor I can cuss if I want to, I can use punctuation or grammar mistakes if I want to or any other "general" rule I need to fuck up if it gets my feelings out lol.

My stress today comes from the fact that today is our Anniversary and instead of being able to spend it with my sweetie, I am forced to stay hidden for the day "Just in case" the bitch comes here after their meeting that the Army (well people in it) thought would be a great idea to have. So instead of us being able to cuddle and enjoy the day, I am stuck here hiding and he is meeting with the bitch. How freaking lovely. Happy freaking anniversary to me.
I wish all of this was done and over with but even though he just paid a lawyer allot of money, it could be up to 45 days or longer if she doesn't sign the DAMN paper. Why oh why did I ever think that Karma would be good to me if I was nice to my ex-husband? I WAS very nice and even turned down his car when the judge offered it to me, I thought well if I am nice now then later when I really need it, karma will be nice back and help me. BUT NOOOOOO karma gives me this super great and wonderful man who I plan on spending the rest of my life with but then gives me his big ass bitch of an ex to deal with. WTF karma? I need HELP not yet another obstacle to overcome in my pursuit of true and lasting happiness.
I finally found my happily ever after but before I can start it or enjoy it I have to fight the evil bitch lol.
That is another fucked up part about this situation, I can't say anything to her or even let my presence be known. I have to hide because of the stupid rule that would not apply in real life and just be there for him and I guess I am not allowed to be stressed or at least not allowed to show it because it would be second hand stress. Isn't that just a bitch????
 

Some people-Stressing today

Well I am running on maybe 3 hours of sleep. Ever since I woke up I have been on the phone trying to figure out a way to fix things and get the show on the road , the show being our legal matter. After 6 hours of being on the phone and searching on the net, the only thing I have found out is that I now have to search more. This sucks!!!!! I just wish this could all be over and our lives could start.
        I have tried to talk to people about this and alot of people have been very suportive but there was one woman that really made me feel like crap. I really wish she hadn't because now between the stress and her comments, I am starting to feel depressed.

I promise I will post alot more

So far I have no readers but I still need to post more because it helps me, So a promise to myself and future readers that I will post more

No support on support forums?

Well I am a member of a few message boards that are supposed to be support forums but so far I have received no support and have just had people judge me for the most part. I just don't understand why people need to feel superior and kinda well snobby towards others? There are some in my situation and they are supportive yet the ones that haven't had to go through all this are just non sympathetic at all. I do understand that everyone has their own opinion but seriously people? Can't we all just get along? I have been stressed to the max already and to me it is not right to add stress to anyone.

This morning's rant lol

Well today has been hectic so far. I got up with DH for PT at 5:00am and had soo much to do. After getting him up,dressed and out the door, I had to take the dogs out 4 times due to thier potty problem (gross I know) and then clean the house, get a load of laundry started, make coffee and then finally got to check my email which was full again. I still have alot to do today like call the twotogether in Texas place to hopefully schedule a class to get $60 knocked off of our marriage licence fee. I have been sooo stressed lately about that and all the other stresses we have had to deal with. I just wish everything would go away and we could finally start our lives together and finally have our "Happly ever after". Why didn't they warn us growing up that there is more then just "meet prince charming, have a big wedding then live happly ever after?" All the stuff we have had to deal with has caused my stomache to hurt all the time and alot of sleepless nights. DH is suposed to call the court lady again today to see if we can get one of our stressers to go away soon. I am praying she says "you know what just come tommarow" but I know that would never happen so maybe at least next week. We have his sister comeing in from NJ from the 11th-15th next month and would like to be married by then or get married while she is here. I really don't want to have to wait a a month again. The day of the last court date I cried almost the whole day because what happened. How in the world is it legal to push a date back this many times? Isn't there a limit? Why can't they see that all we want to do is be together, get married, and hopefully start a family? Well readers I am going to stop ranting for now and get moving on fixing this blog and makeing it better.